Strength in Vulnerability Across Cultures
The notion that boys shouldn’t cry transcends cultural boundaries. My journey as a parent has led to a profound realization – strength lies in vulnerability, regardless of cultural expectations and norms.
As quasi-Caribbean/British parents, we recognize the universal truth that courage is found in expressing one’s authentic self. Allowing our boys to shed tears imparts a valuable lesson: strength is not compromised by vulnerability but fortified by the authenticity of emotional expression.
My Parenting Journey
Embarking on our parenting journey as Caribbean parents, my husband and I raise three young, energetic boys in a multi-dimensional cultural environment. Our reflections extend beyond the vibrant tapestry of the Caribbean, considering the cultural nuances that shape our parenting perspectives.
Having lived in Trinidad and Tobago for some 27 years, in England for 16 years, and currently residing in Canada, our experiences in diverse communities have added another layer to this intricate journey, impacting our understanding of emotional expression and well-being.
My peaceful parenting approach to parenting my three boys only truly began when I began receiving complaints about my three-and-a-half-year-old son’s aggressive behavior at school. Being the anxious parent that I was then, I embarked on a mission to find a ‘fix’ for my son’s behavior.
As fate would have it, I came across two Jai Certified parenting coaches, Marcela and Rachael, who inspired me deeply. The greatest lesson I learned from them was that it was not about ‘fixing’ my son’s behavior. I needed to heal my inner child first by showing up for myself and consequently holding space for and meeting my son where he was developmentally, with understanding, connection, presence, and calm within.
I witnessed immediate positive shifts in my son’s behavior. That was the turning point in my parenting journey. Fast forward a year later, in June 2023, I became a certified peaceful parenting coach with the Jai Institute for Parenting. I have never looked back; I have only looked forward with hope, grace, peace, and joy.
Cultural Norms and Emotional Expression
Every culture boasts its unique set of norms. For as long as I know, a prevailing expectation has existed for boys to embody resilience, discouraging the open expression of emotions, especially through tears. These norms, deeply rooted and passed down through generations, contribute to a complex web of cultural values.
In my experience, these norms manifest as an unspoken rule – a silent agreement that boys should “suck it up” and avoid showing vulnerability. As a young child, I remember hearing some men say to their boy children, “What’s wrong with you? Why are you crying, boy? Shut up.” This norm raises questions about the potential impact on our boys’ emotional and mental development and the societal constructs perpetuating such expectations.
I further recall a riveting heart-to-heart with my childhood friend from Trinidad, who revealed that he had never cried in his entire life until he became a father. This poignant example underscores the impact of cultural expectations on emotional expression, even for grown men.
In discussions with my husband, he recalls that whilst growing up, he was rarely, if at all, asked, “How do you feel?” When I asked my husband how this made him feel upon reflection, he simply said, “Sad.” He shared with me that he only truly began to understand, feel, and express his emotions with confidence and in healthier ways with my input as a parenting coach and what I had learned from Jai and continue to explore as a practitioner.
Hearing my husband’s share was not shocking to me, as I vaguely recall any adult enquiring about my feelings or needs as a child. I remember my mother traveling to the USA and being left behind with my aunt, who cared for me as best as she could. I felt sad, alone, isolated, and confused, not knowing when my mum would return home. At the tender age of six, I had no idea how to express my feelings and needs, so I bundled it up and stuffed it away.
That experience, coupled with other similar ones, left a lasting imprint on my emotional well-being, which I only found solace in addressing through my journey in the Emotions, Mind, and Energy (EME) Integration life coaching certification program and Jai’s program.
Observations from Legal Practice
Having practiced law for almost 19 years, my professional journey provided insights into the broader impact of these cultural expectations. Observing numerous colleagues, predominantly men, who excelled in their fields and were coined ‘leaders’ but who struggled to express their emotions and feelings openly began leading me to ponder: what truly determines a leader’s effectiveness – academic intelligence or emotional intelligence?
As a legal representative for many female clients who sought the Court’s intervention and protection from alleged domestic violence, I heard countless complaints about their husbands who supposedly lacked empathy and compassion and were devoid of any emotional expression. What I found particularly striking was that many of these clients spoke about their husbands not knowing how to or finding it hard to cry. Additionally, I had the benefit of observing the level of emotional dysregulation by parents and how that negatively impacted their children’s mental and emotional well-being. Many of these children revealed that they felt unsafe and tended to feel depressed, anxious, and highly stressed from witnessing their parents’ tumultuous behavior towards each other and them.
These observations highlight the pervasive nature of cultural norms worldwide and their enduring influence on individuals, from familial to professional settings.
Exploring Emotional Well-Being
In my humble opinion, parenting, regardless of cultural context, involves delicately balancing the nurturing of resilience and allowing emotional expression. In many cultures, this equilibrium can lean towards stoicism, creating a narrative where emotional restraint equates to strength and that ‘boys don’t cry.’
Living in diverse cultures has provided us with a broader perspective. It’s not about dismissing cultural norms but understanding how we can adapt and evolve these norms to ensure our children grow up emotionally intelligent, capable of navigating life’s complexities in a global context, and contributing to the growth and development of other young boys, whatever their background.
For us, fostering emotional expression in our sons is crucial. To this day, both my husband and I continue to work on our emotional expression, modeling empathy and compassion for our boys. When we do this, we send the message that it is “ok” to cry. I often share with my boys, “If anyone tells you to stop crying, let them know my mummy says crying is a healthy expression and that it is ok to cry.” I recently shared this perspective with a Canadian friend who positively received it and expressed interest in adopting a similar approach with her son, moving away from the traditional “suck it up” mindset.
Continuously and intentionally striving to promote and nurture emotional well-being is by no means an easy task for any family. I know this, hands down. Each day in our home, we are faced with different challenges, some more intense than others.
We are breaking cultural and generational cycles by incorporating peaceful parenting approaches, strategies, and tools in moments of stress and conflict. For instance, when my children are emotionally dysregulated, I consciously remember to support my nervous system through Jai’s
ANCHOR process: A – Awareness of Body, N – Naming what is happening to my body, C – Connecting to my sensory calming tool, H – Honoring the process, O – being open to connection with my children, R – recommitting to them in the present moment, in order to support them.
I also remember as I learned at Jai, to offer co-regulation for my children with HARBOR: H – Hold space, A – Accept what is; letting go of my fears, R – Remember their sensory calming tools by modeling, B – Be slow, low, and soft, O – Open to connect with them, R – Remind them of the need for safety.
Being able to support myself and co-regulate with my children through chaotic situations in full self-awareness, understanding, compassion, empathy, and modeling behavior fosters and develops their emotional intelligence by leaps and bounds, as contended by the renowned author of “Emotional Intelligence,” Daniel Goleman. Goleman argues further that emotional intelligence is a defining leadership feature, over and above academic intelligence, which distinguishes a good leader from a great one.
As empowered parents, we hold the power to nurture our children’s emotional intelligence through learned behavior so that they can effectively navigate the diversity In the global world we live in. We get to do this by shifting our limiting beliefs about our children, helping them to effectively communicate their feelings and needs, and meeting their needs whilst modeling empathy – that we understand them and can see the world through their eyes.
Stress Relief in Various Cultures
Each culture presents its unique stressors. Allowing emotional release, including crying, is considered a culturally nuanced form of stress relief. This communal act acknowledges that emotions need an outlet, with tears serving as a powerful means of releasing pent-up stress and tension.
Observing how different societies incorporate emotional expression into their coping mechanisms is fascinating. Recognizing these cultural differences allows us to approach the conversation with curiosity rather than judgment, understanding that what may be viewed as unconventional in one culture is perfectly normal in another.
I am pleased to report that the gradual implementation of Dr Marshall Rosenberg’s non-violent communication techniques (adapted for the ages of my kids) is proving to be a game changer. For example, my 8-year-old son was recently struggling with a big emotion and started crying. After he calmed down, he said to me, “Mummy, I miss hanging out with you alone. It makes me sad. I need to spend one-on-one Josiah and mummy time. Can we spend a day and night alone?” I was astounded by his capacity to identify how he was feeling, what his needs were, and his capacity to make a reasonably sound request without any major emotional dysregulation.
Of course, I co-regulated with my son to support him through his ‘wave.’ The next day, following a heartfelt conversation with my husband, I conveyed to my son that I was open to granting his request, recognizing the opportunity for us to deepen our bond and connection, a decision which aligned with our shared value of empathy, thereby creating joy and harmony in our family.
Cultural Shifts Towards Empathy
Encouraging emotional expression in boys is not a rebellion against cultural norms; it’s an acknowledgment of the evolving nature of societies. It’s about fostering empathy and understanding within diverse cultural contexts, recognizing that change is a gradual and collective process.
From my varied experiences, I observe subtle shifts in cultural attitudes toward emotional expression. As peaceful parents, we contribute to this change by fostering environments prioritizing empathy – creating a space where our boys can thrive emotionally. We get to show our kids how to become empathic by validating their feelings, needs, thoughts, and beliefs beneath their behavior instead of judging, labeling, or condemning them.
The long-term positive effect is that our boys become part of the broader solution and not the problem. They are one less statistic and less likely to turn to a life of crime or experience mental health conditions such as anxiety, depression, or even, in extreme cases, suicide. Instead, our children grow into mentally and emotionally intelligent healthy human beings who can easily self-regulate, attune, ground, and become present in their bodies, enabling their capacity to co-regulate and powerfully communicate with others.
Contributing to a Diverse Parenting Landscape
Peaceful parenting, a dynamic journey shaped by cultural backgrounds, gains richness through embracing the diversity of approaches worldwide. Our diverse experiences enrich our understanding, allowing us to navigate the complex landscape of raising emotionally resilient children within a global context.
In our interconnected world, engaging in open conversations about the impact of cultural norms on parenting without judgment is crucial. These conversations contribute to a diverse and inclusive parenting landscape, fostering a global community that respects and appreciates varied approaches to nurturing the emotional well-being of our future leaders.
Working with a peaceful parenting coach, therefore, offers parents the opportunity to explore how to incorporate an empowered approach to parenting with specific cultural values, beliefs, and norms that teach, guide, and support their children in modern-day society.
Parents get the opportunity to engage in self-reparenting, gaining insight into their own needs, feelings, values, and triggers. By addressing limiting beliefs, you create a secure attachment within yourself, fostering the development of the present, connected parent your child deserves. This journey not only enriches the parent-child bond but also cultivates a lasting sense of security, safety, and fulfillment for both parties.
Conclusion
As parents with a diverse set of experiences, we find solace in the realization that parenting is a shared journey shaped by cultural influences. By approaching cultural nuances with curiosity, understanding, and a commitment to fostering emotional and mental well-being, we contribute to a world where our boys can authentically express their emotions, transcending cultural expectations and embracing the strength found in vulnerability.
We embrace the gift of getting to be a peaceful parent to our little human souls in the richness of their culturally diverse environment. We witness the transformative impact of becoming more self-aware so that we can show up with a sense of calm and presence, ready and able to co-regulate with our kids.
We get to observe our children’s emotional struggles becoming less frequent and intense, even at their tender ages. To observe a progressive increase in our and their ability to emotionally self-regulate as we learn how to teach them about feelings, needs, and beliefs through modeling.
As a peaceful parenting coach, we encourage parents to discover their purpose in parenting. To reflect deeply on the shifts needed—whether from frustration to peace, powerlessness to leadership, or chaos to calm. To align actions with this purpose for both your child’s well-being and your own fulfillment.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed, know you’re not alone – transformational parenting coaches offer the support you need, exploring strategies together to create a nurturing relationship where both you and your child thrive.
As a certified parent coach, I now get to support, guide, teach, and unconditionally love my boys throughout their journey, being a facilitator for their emotional growth and development. I stand in faith, trusting that with empowered self-leadership, they will one day discover their higher purpose, shining their light for the highest good of all.
